For when I am weak...

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest of me. That is why, for Chris's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

2 Corinthians 12:-9-10

The past month and a half has been a whirlwind of emotions. Becoming engaged to a wonderful man, trying to visit family, working a full time job, maintaining friendships, planning a wedding and trying to find time in my day just to be with God. Now I'm going to be honest...

With my overwhelmingly busy schedule of to-do list items I have not put God first.

 (**SIDE NOTE** I feel ashamed saying this -- I know God has grace and forgives me, but it's the truth -- I am human and ashamed of not putting God first. I've never been one to hide the struggles and battles I'm going through. I don't LOVE to talk about all of my problems all the time because I don't like to feel like I'm a burden to anyone, but that's what we are called to do. Bear one another's burdens, listen to one another, encourage one another, love one another. I hope and pray that I am someone people feel they can talk to about their personal weaknesses as well. .**)

So yesterday I had a little breakdown -- mentally, emotionally --
I felt like if one more thing happened I was just going to explode.
(In an abundance of tears, because I'm not an angry person, so yelling and screaming would not be my form of exploding though it might be some of yours.)

I asked WHY ME? WHY NOW? Why is this happening? WHY WHY WHY!!

Through many forms of communication I received the answers I needed to hear...
Text messaging with my mentor/counselor/friend/mom really helped she said, "The answer to why me is just that you are human and we all have junk to deal with -- The answer to why now is that the real issue has nothing to do with the time. Jesus said as long as you are in this world you will have tribulation. We have to understand our personal weakness."

Then at dinner last night I was sharing with a close friend and she and four friends prayed over me and then I finally let out the tears I have been holding back. That friend pointed out this scripture, "Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me...My sacrifice, O God is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise." (Psalm 51:10-12 & 17)

My soon to be sister who held me when I cried told me it's okay to be weak. Then I received great words of encouragement from her husband as well. And finally my soon to be husband told me it was going to be okay, that God loves me and so does he. I don't like to seem weak around people but him especially.

I had to give all of my struggles and worries and fears to God. I spent a good hour in my Bible -- highlighting, writing verses on post-it notes and just praying through some Scripture.

I came across Ephesians 6:10-17 which talks about the ARMOR OF GOD. "Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. THEREFORE put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckles around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God."

I know there are going to be days when I'm confident and days when I'm not. Days when I'm sad and days when I'm happy. The one thing I know is that God has made me this way. I will walk with Him the rest of my days here. I have work to do. Some days I might be weaker than other days, but it's okay to be weak...

For when I am weak then I am STRONG.